Fjørdgasm: Norway on the half shell

“It looks like an intestine”, remarked Traci, marveling at our navigation system's map of the road ahead. We are winding our way towards Geiranger, and the analogy is apt. Which explains why we decided later to skip Trollstigen , but we'll get back to that. Yes, indeed, it's safe to say, and I'm here to testify to you: The only roads in and out of Geiranger are seriously twisty. But hang on, let's recap. This morning we carbo loaded at the world-famous Bakeriet i Lom, the Lom Bakery , with a view to the cascading Bøvra river. If you go there, which you should, and you happen to need to use the restroom, go upstairs. The upstairs bathroom might just be the nation's coolest; that sink pedestal is the front of a Volvo Amazon . You also have to appreciate the sense of humor required to paint the floor and the toilet lid with a yellow centerline. (They could have turned it up to 11 and painted skid marks, too, but that would have been gross. It's...

Random notes & travel tips: When in Norway, you must try the delight that is Skinkeost and its siblings Baconost and Rekeost. When in Rome , and all that. What you're looking at here is spreadable cream cheese. SkinkeOst means literally “hamcheese”, so it is, in a suprise move, ham-flavored and includes little bits of ham. The same principle applies to BaconOst , RekeOst , and PaprikaOst — bacon, shrimp, and sweet peppers respectively. 1 HvitOst is just plain cream cheese, hence the literal name “whitecheese”. If in doubt, just look at the tube. There's a picture of what the flavor is. All you need is some sliced bread and a tube of this stuff for a no-mess, instant on-the-road breakfast, lunch, or snack. Speaking of, the popularity of these classic varieties of smøreost , spreadable cheese, is such that they've spawned new varieties. Make of that what you will. Traci is a big fan of JalapeñoOst , which is exactly what you thin...

When we pull up at Leirmoen Camping , just up the valley from Lom , it's colder than a well digger's ass: In the forties (8° C, for you folks in the metric world), drizzling, and there's a cold breeze rolling down the valley from Sognefjellet, which we just crossed. The plan was to pitch tents. The lady checking me in looks up — tents? Tonight? With a toddler, you say? I'm feeling the cold in my bones already, and it takes me .25 seconds to agree that, yea, maybe that's worth reconsidering. How much is a cabin? 500 kroners for the night, beds and heating for everyone. About $60. Deal. We'd left my friend Kjersti's house , fortified and replenished with hospitality, meatballs and gravy, Norwegian strawberries, and coffee, around 7 or so. From Kaupanger, we'd wound our way along the beautiful Lustrafjord, where we get familiar with the serpentine lane-and-a-half roads that become part of your life as you road trip fjord Norway. Just past Gaupne,...

Since I'm on a roll with the travel tips & random observations, let's say you're on a road trip in Norway, and you have brought a cooler for your food. You'd think that, of all the things, obtaining some ice to keep your reindeer steak and cod fillets cool should be the least of your problems. Not so fast. Unlike in the U.S., where any gas station, convenience store, supermarket, or bodega will have bags of ice for sale, ice turned out to be hard to find in Norway , as we discovered just a few hours into the trip. Gas stations don't have ice. Supermarkets don't have ice. Campgrounds don't have ice. There's ice in the glaciers, but you're not standing next to a glacier ( which, don't ). You're on the road. Kiwi to the rescue. The ubiquitous Norwegian grocery chain Kiwi carries, at least in all the stores we tried, bags of ice. You might have to poke around at bit, as it's a separate freezer from the frozen food section. Find your ...

In more travel tips & random observations: If you're going to road trip through Norway, give yourself time. Thing number one not to do: Lean out the window, slap the side of your car, and yell, “Ey! We're driving here!” Things take the time that they take. And besides, if you're going to be in a rush, all those German camper vans, which appear to be acceleration and speed limited at the factory, will give you a heart attack. Relax and breathe in the fresh air.

In travel tips & random observations, if you're travelling with kids in Norway you need to be aware of and/or warned about Sjokade. This is either the best or worst thing to happen to bread ever. Sjokade is literally chocolate spread for your Norwegian-style sandwiches. As our experience shows, once a child, let's take for example Mia, gets a taste, there's no turning back. Pro: Your child will happily scarf down Norwegian whole-grain bread. Fiber yay! Con: Your child is from now on demanding chocolate for breakfast and lunch. Be warned.

We make Kaupanger on the Fodnes-Manheller ferry , our first of many ferry rides, by 5 PM or so, and proceed up, and up, and up to my old friend Kjersti's house — the one her husband built, at the top of the road, with the priceless view. To get there, we have wound our way through quintessential inland-Norway landscapes, driving up Hallingdalen, the Halling valley. The lower sections of Riksveg 7 , National Route 7, curves lazily past Krøderen lake, then along Hallingdalselva, flanked by spruce and birch forest, rugged hillsides, and the occasional rocky crags where trolls at one time stood tossing the boulders piled up below. Picturesque farms dot the side of the road with their characteristic red barns and traditional log storehouses. It's a relaxing and pleasant start to the Fjørdgasm, this low-key beauty. This isn't the Norway that broadsides you with scenery so epic it punches you in the eyeballs. It's modest and unhurried. After a break for a Norwegia...

Today, we ride. That is, just as soon as everybody's up and ready and we get the car loaded. Us adults have been up since 7. It's a beautiful day in Hokksund, Norway. The sun is shining, and it's neither too warm or too cold. Mia is beaming, because Mia loves life and that's just how she lives it. There is, however, a snag. Well, two snags. One is more of an omen. We'll get back to that. The first snag is, our shit won't fit. The plan was good. Our measurements were exact. And yet, the roof box Volvo supplied us with won't close. There was one flaw in our reasoning, an unknown unknown, if you will. We'd measured out placing everyone's duffel in the box, and we made a point of bringing duffels , not suitcases, for that reason — because they squish. When your luggage is just a little bit overstuffed, you push the lid down, pull the zipper, and presto! , it stays closed. In our minds, the roof box would work the same way. We'd just need to...

Your car has arrived. Traci and Quinn have made the arduous journey to Göteborg, Sweden, travelling premium on SAS courtesy of the Volvo Overseas Delivery program. After some makeshift grub a three-course meal at Norda Bar & Grill, roughing it a comfortable night's sleep at the Clarion Hotel Post, and a proper Scandinavian breakfast, also courtesy of the Volvo Corporation, Traci and Quinn have picked up our ride straight off the factory floor. Odometer reading: 00000. It'll take more to rub that shine and new-car smell out than their 4-hour drive from Göteborg to Hokksund, though over the next 18 days we'll do our damndest. At the moment, nonetheless, I'm afraid to even touch her. Which is a problem, because somehow all our crap has to get crammed into and strapped onto this gleaming monument to Swedish perfectionism. Do we really need to start loading her up yet? “What are we waiting for? Let's go !” The baby is ready to go, of course, becaus...

And then the other shoe drops, when Bunny brings the Fjørdgasm to a crashing halt but for a daring last-minute rescue. Despite United Airlines and Newark Liberty Airport's best efforts, we finally looked down on the rolling hills of eastern Norway, furry with Norway spruce and dotted with farms and lakes, through the windows of SAS 458 from Copenhagen to Oslo. Her Miniature Majesty, Mia, not yet two and already proven as resilient and irrepressible a world traveler as any of us, is napping, as 24 hours of traveling will make you do. We'll wake her up to walk her through customs, having already checked passports in Copenhagen, then get our luggage, then haul it downstairs to board the train for Hokksund. It takes more than a few planes and airports to suppress these people's spirits. Crabby? Not at all. This little girl is as excited to be traveling as she was on day one. Every airplane is equally delightful and new, not to mention the train ! Standing by the do...